Self Love is Necessary, Always…
By Aaron Paxton Arnold
In the 80s, LL Cool J, in his hit song, I Need Love, whispered to the world that he needed love (from a woman). Well, to juxtapose this…as parents it’s ok to shout out (or whisper), I need love too (from yourself).
In moments, parenting can feel like it’s been reduced to the sole act of serving and raising children without the balance of living their own life. Yet, as mom and dads, we're still human with our own individual needs, hopes, dreams, goals.
According to the Pew Research Center, the better part of parents surveyed say being a parent is enjoyable and rewarding all or most of the time. They did acknowledge, however, it also can be extremely tiring and stressful too.
So, how does a parent who is tasked with the most important job on this planet give their kids everything without forgetting to give to themselves too?
Grandma Said What?
When I was in college, I had a conversation with my grandmother about wanting to help people with my talents upon graduation. Her response - baby, that’s good but always remember to help yourself first, because if you’re not ‘ok’ then the people who need you the most won’t be.
My Grandmother’s statement was profound to me, because she basically told me it’s ok to be selfish. Prior to that point, in my 20 years of living, I never thought about the word “selfish” in a positive light. I had always been thought to share, give (back), help out etc. This was simply because all of us, at some point, have been the benefactor of others' generosity. However, my Grandmother helped me realize that one shouldn’t give everything to everyone and not have anything left for themselves.
This same methodology applies to being a parent too. As the Dad of a young queen (21) and teenage prince (13), I (and their moms) do everything, within reason, to ensure that they both have the tools to succeed in life. However, I had a life before the kids and will have a life with the kids because being a parent never stops, it just evolves as they get older.
Now, this isn't to negate the fact that as parents, we all make sacrifices, whether it be lifestyle changes or something as simple as lack of time and/or sleep. Nevertheless, as an entrepreneur I have found that my kids have served as a great catalyst and motivator for me in my endeavors. My lifestyle changes were all for the better because I wanted to be healthy and my kids proud of me. Professionally, I became even more intentional with my time, therefore more intentional with my mission.
Kids Don’t Defer Dreams; We Do.
Spike Lee said in his speech at a 2016 Impact Symposium at Vanderbilt University “Parents Kill More Dreams than Anybody,” and I couldn’t agree more. I cringe when I hear parents say, “my kids killed my dreams.” My response is always, your kids didn’t kill your dreams, you let the excuse of being a parent/fear get in the way of pursuing your dreams…a dream delayed isn’t necessarily a dream deferred.
Do You!
A Real Housewife of Atlanta infamously said, “Do You boo-boo, do you!” And while the emotion and intent behind those words might not have been the most uplifting, the sentiment behind that statement is very real. As parents, we must learn how to DO US!
Whether it’s speaking, doing interviews or just sitting around at a house-party, I’ve had many conversations with parents from single moms to couples to recently divorced folks who feel lost. Their kids are grown, some have left the house (or some still there) and the parents now feel like life’s opportunities have passed them by.
So while there is no formula to parenting and no one, absolutely no one (unless asked), should tell another parent how to raise their kids, there are some things parents, who feel like their time has passed or they have no time at all, can do. Here are 5 tips I believe can help us all out as we continue down the forever-journey of parenthood.
Follow Your Own Advice: My Dad would always tell me, “Aaron ‘do the work’ and you will see the results.” As parents, while we probably have jobs and tell our children the same thing regarding “doing the work,” we must also apply this to ourselves. The work includes exploring different methods to better ourselves, which in turn, makes everyone around us better. The first four times might not work, however, the fifth attempt can. Never give up on yourself because as they say, this is a marathon, not a sprint.
Research, Research, Research: The great thing about today’s world is that modern technology is literally available with the blink of an eye or press of a button. There are sites, apps and online communities such as GoodTherapy.com who have in-depth articles and studies on how parents can begin “Prioritizing ‘Me Time’: Unlocking the Power of Personal Space for Parents,” exploring the importance of carving out time for oneself.
Stamp That Passport: Just because you’re a parent doesn’t mean you can’t see the world. If traveling = therapy, then let stamping that passport be your peace. But if you’re saying to yourself, what about my kids, well I can show you better than I can tell you: Follow the Travelling Child a mom who takes her kids and husband all over the world. And no, they aren’t rich, they’re just savvy.
Community: I have found what works best, is having a community of upwardly mobile and transparents parents to remind you that not only are you not alone but also how possible it is to live your life while raising kids. Having a support group where you can exchange ideas and learn from each other is imperative.
Let Go and Let Live: At some point as parents, we must hand over the reins to our kids to live their own lives, which then frees us to continue our own journey of selfish exploration. That doesn’t mean we don’t support our children, it simply means we become consultants when they need us. Relish in the fact that our kids will build their own lives and communities beyond us and be proud of that. In the meantime, make that next chapter the most fruitful ever.