ABOVE ALL LOVE: FINDING ROMANCE WHEN THE KIDS ARE HOME (Prt. 1)
Written By: Aaron Paxton Arnold
It’s Friday night and you two have just put the kids to bed. You both exhale, Finally! Now there is time for the romantic moment you two have been planning since Monday. Out comes the good wine and charcuterie board. You grab the phone and turn on the curated “Romantic Fridays” playlist by Drake. Everything is perfect! As you toast and ease into the moment, out of nowhere one of the kids runs into the room crying; they’ve just experienced a nightmare. Immediately the romantic night is over and it’s back to parent mode.
Per a Washington Post article, 67% to 90% of couples report a decline in relationship satisfaction after their baby is born. Even more shocking? Some studies show that at least one in five couples call it quits within the first 12 months of bringing home a new baby. However, in other studies parents show an increase in romance after children.
So how does a couple sustain the freshness and excitement while balancing the demands of parenting? Is there a right or wrong answer? Does it depend on the DNA of the relationship or are there universal things couples can do?
We found the perfect couple to explore this topic:
Meet Tyeal (T) and Keenan (K), a newly engaged couple residing in Atlanta, Georgia. Keenan, a charismatic finance manager, and Tyeal, a creative marketing manager, admit to sharing a deep love for God, adventure, family, and laughter.
In addition, their blended family consists of two adorable daughters, Kennedy and Amaiya, who both embody boundless curiosity and effervescent joy, lighting up their home with endless giggles and dance moves. Their newest addition Keenan II has a contagious enthusiasm that keeps everyone on their toes. Together, they embrace life's adventures and create cherished memories that will last a lifetime.
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Part One:
Does or should romance change after having a child, like does it look different?
T: A lot of things change after having a baby. Romance has the potential to be one of those things if both parties let it. It takes intentional work to make romantic gestures like scheduling date nights, securing a babysitter, keeping up with your appearance, surprising your partner with “just because” gifts, etc.
K: Romance has changed. It’s a lot more intentional for us. We have spontaneous moments that typically exist inside the household, because finances and more importantly, time, are precious commodities.
How important is it to consider your partner's needs as much as you consider your child’s?
K: On a scale of 1 to 10 I’d say ten. My partner needs me more now than she ever has and the more I pour into her and her needs, the more she will have to pour into our children.
T: It’s extremely important for me to consider my partner's needs before my children's needs because our household starts with us as parents. When we are good, we can parent even better. It’s a two-person, full-time job with our family of 5.
Do you have any tips that you have implemented that helped increase or maintain the romance of your relationship?
K: Remember how you got here. Healthy reminiscing of our past dates and pregnancy announcements all contribute to that point. The more we grow together in our parenting journey the more my qualifications of romance have expanded. Instead of dinner and a night out, a babysitter and our favorite show are at the top of my list and we know this about each other. For new parents, this is a fun aspect of parenting to look forward to.
T: Write each other love notes! I love when we leave each other quick words of affirmation throughout the week on the dresser or the kitchen counter. It brightens my day.
As a mother after having a child, is it difficult to find yourself as interested in romantic experiences? If so, are there things that you would consider especially romantic or helpful to keep the spark?
T: There’s a real and raw period after having a baby where mothers need to be in stillness and reconnect with their bodies, minds, and emotions. The intimacy that KD and I have allowed me the space to go through postpartum with him and his support. Our honesty and connection grew during this time and it made me fall deeper in love with him. I would suggest new parents draw closer to each other during the postpartum period and explore those emotions and changes together, instead of trying to make sense of them individually in order to keep their romance and spark vibrant.
As a father, do you find yourself equally engaged in romantic gestures after having a child?
K: Yes, and admittingly surprisingly so.
Also, what are some things you feel best support maintaining a romantic connection?
K: Boundaries, planning, and communication.
T: Intentional quality time in and out of the house.